“I’ll read my b…

“I’ll read my books and I’ll drink coffee and I’ll listen to music, and I’ll bolt the door.”

—  J.D. Salinger, A Boy in France
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One Night Stands (NSFW)

So that just happened. No one and no movie really explains how this works to the detail, so I’m prepared to do so now.

First of all: 

Small Talk

  • Skip it – Nothing is more awkward then the two of you just standing around talking about you day and what class your taking and how’s school and ‘wow you look great’ bullshit. (I don’t care and I know you don’t either)

Music

  • Use it – When it comes to having sex, music is always a must have in my bedroom. No one likes to be having sex and not have a jam to twerk too. Plus it totally takes away a fraction of the awkwardness and self-loathing you might be feeling.

Dude why aren’t you staying hard

  • This one is fun, so he isn’t staying big and I am not getting ‘happy’ and he actually laughed.

Did you seriously just laugh

  • Yes, yes he did – What kind of response to kissing you neck is a laugh, unless your ticklish – but he wasn’t – unless your sensitive – not that either. Because you’re a sarcastic asshole who doesn’t appreciate a good neck bite and then makes me look like a twat? Bingo.

Afterwards

  • He lays down next to me after he finishes and again, laughs. Then rolls over and grabs my hip and tries to make out with me. Granted he is a terrible, awful, awful kisser. Awful.

If he’s an awful, awful kisser.

  • Run. 
  • Because chances are he isn’t going to be good anywhere else, in experience; guys or girls who can not kiss can not fuck. Stop sucking on my lower lip like a damn animal.
  • No stop sticking your tongue on the inside of my lip.
  • I think he just blew into my mouth.
  • Dude is my lip bleeding?

Then he asks me if I want a cigarette, so I say yes and I get up to go to the bathroom and when i come back he is staring at himself in the mirror, touching his business. Seriously? Then he goes to the bathroom, meanwhile I am putting my clothes back on cause things can not get more awkward than this. I love when I speak too soon. Because when we went to my porch to smoke, he started making that god damn small talk that I hate so much. And I got the feeling that he really wanted to leave, and ladies, when that feeling comes make sure you pursue it. Nothing is worse than staying longer than you have to, so smoke that cigarette – you deserve it champ – and kick the dick out. 

Have no shame.

  • You both know why he came over, so there is not reason to beat around the bush and keep him there longer then he needs to be.
  • Mention something about work or school. It’s really, really cliche but it works haha I never thought it would be so easy to get out of something. 

Moral of the story is I don’t think I will be having any O.N.S. in a very long time, I am hanging up my slut towel. At least for now.